The girl code when going out for a night on the town is stay sexy and don’t get murdered. Find out how to do that here.
Being a woman is not all unicorns, spicy Frappuchinos and rainbows. We supposed to always look attractive, but not too hot because that might distract a man, or cause him to be unfaithful to his wife during work. Most serial killers look like ordinary middle aged men that live indoors and have respectable jobs. And accidents are the fourth leading cause of death in the US. So even a simple trip to the market or going out for a run can be dangerous, let alone going to a nightclub and getting really inebriated with relative strangers in your hottest dress.
A lot of men get offended when a woman is “creeped out” by them at first. They need to understand that literally anyone could be a rapist and a murderer, and those stories are in the news everyday. When a man gets angered easily by women he just met, it is a sign he has self esteem issues, and might therefore be a murderer and/or rapist. They don’t even know you.
The term, “Stay sexy. Don’t get murdered,” was coined by comedians Georgia Hardstark and Karen Kilgariff for their podcast where they discuss current events related to crime, specifically rape and murder. The embroidery at the top of the page was made by Sarcastitch in tribute to them. But it applies here because they number one rule for women who are about to go to a nightclub is to stay sexy and don’t get murdered. That’s why they always go to the restroom in groups.
Pre Gaming & Primping
It is important to always be prepared with pepper spray and a self defense keychain. That way if anyone fucks with you, you will be ready to pull it out and temporarily blind them. These items generally cost less than $10 and could mean the difference between life or death. You should never bring your piece up in the club. But pepper spray fits easily inside a handbag. It is supposed to be strong enough to incapacitate a bear or a psychotic rapist should you meet one.
Make sure that your phone is fully charged before you go out. Should you get into a dangerous situation you can use it to call for help, look up directions or text your mom goodbye. It is also useful for filming weirdos if they start following you, so they can be later identified by police.
Many nightclubs overcharge for drinks, especially if it’s one of those “upscale places” that charge you to sit down at a table. And they get really mad if you bring a bong inside the music venue. So you might want to have a drink or two beforehand. But don’t get too wasted, especially if you plan to drive there. Many bouncers are trained to turn away really drunk people, because they tend to cause a scene and not buy drinks. Also you might get alcohol poisoning.
The internet can be a great way to find dates. But don’t invite some randoms you just met on Tinder to your house for drinks before heading out, because they might rape and murder you. Or they might just steal all your stuff for drug money. Anyway it’s better to meet up at the club.
Transportation Issues
You have to find a way to get to the music venue in question to see your favorite DJ play a set. But how are you going to get there without dying or being raped?
If you drive you have to think about where you are going to park your car overnight, unless you don’t drink, but then you probably don’t go to bars much. If you are driving don’t text anyone because you need to pay attention to the road to avoid death or getting paralyzed.
If you take public transportation in your club clothes or slutty raver costume, strange men will stare at you, and maybe even sit down right next to you and start talking about how they just got out of prison, especially on the return trip when you are really drunk. Avoid death by changing seats, especially if he takes his dick out on the bus or train.
Uber and Lyft drivers have a bad reputation for being rapists, but are a good deal for large groups. At least cab drivers are certified not murderers, but they still might be a creep or an asshole.
The best way is probably walking through the cool night air. If you live downtown this might be possible. Unfortunately if a woman walks alone on the streets at night she might get raped and then murdered, or vice versa. Or maybe some jackass will pull up to you in his car that is still on lease, and offer to pay you for sexual favors. Do not get into that car because he might drive you out to the woods for some rape and murder! Another idea is to split a hotel room nearby with friends that you know well enough to not rape and murder you in your sleep.
Getting Inside the Club
Hopefully when you arrive to the entrance of the nightclub the bouncer and the ticket takers are consummate professionals. Unfortunately sometimes they are super ratchet and egotistical and they think all women are impressed that they work for a popular nightclub. They may even ignore simple questions, or attempt to “neg” you even though they are on the clock. Stay cool and avoid making a huge scene so you can get inside and find a man with a higher paying job.
If there is a long line because the event is sold out you should be careful in line. There have been terrorist attacks where insane men drive their car into a crowd of people in an attempt to murder them. They might be mad because no one wants to have sex with a psychotic rapist.
Partying Up in the Club
When you get inside don’t walk around asking random people for molly, because it could be bunk shit that kills you. You should have thought about that beforehand. Some men think that a woman looking for drugs is about them, and a woman wanting to have sex with them, even if you clearly state that you want drugs. This makes them more likely to rape or even murder you.
Don’t accept any open containers from men you have never met before, because it might be full of date rape drugs. Don’t drink so much that you are lying in a puddle of your own vomit sobbing, even if someone is buying your drinks. They do that because drunk women are more likely to have sex, so you don’t need to feel guilty about anything. They are just using you for your vajayjay anyway. Many of them will go out trolling for pussy, and literally hit on every woman they see — possibly because they think women are sex objects suitable for raping and murdering. Or maybe they just want to give you the herpes and HIV, like R. Kelly.
Avoid climbing on the stage equipment and ceiling beams because you might fall down and perish. The DJ is always in danger of something heavy falling on their head. Don’t spill liquid around the electrical cables, and then step on an exposed wire, electrocuting everyone like in the Hunger Games. That would suck. Make sure that the venue has emergency exits that are clearly marked and that the event is not over capacity. If there is a nightclub fire or a mass shooting everyone is going to book for the exits right away, creating a huge traffic jam. If you don’t feel safe it’s okay to leave and to complain to the manager. No nightclub or DJ is worth dying over if the music venue is not a safe place. Trust your instincts and try not to get murdered.
Leaving the Nightclub
Part of going clubbing is going to the after party, whether that be at an all night venue, or a house party with friends. People hook up with each other at the club, that’s one of the reasons they go. But don’t go home with anyone that makes you feel uncomfortable because it might be a sign you are about to get raped and murdered. Avoid the guy who brought a gun he didn’t need.
You should not drive drunk because you might kill someone, die in an auto accident or get arrested for a DUI and have to make bail and then go though all that court bullshit. You might be able to pass out in the backseat under a pile of blankets, and try to look like a pile of laundry until morning, when you are sober enough to get breakfast and drive.
If your phone is still charged you can call for a ride, and then pick up your car the next day. Beware of Uber and Lyft drivers if you are alone though, and don’t pass out in the back. Because you might wake up to them jacking off onto your leg, about to rape and murder you.
When walking home in a drunken state, be careful to avoid muggers, rapists and murderers. It’s okay to feel bad for vagrants but you don’t have to talk to them, or let them stay at your apartment. They might be homeless because they are psychotic man children who just got out of prison for a random street stabbing. Of course they are not going to tell you first if that’s true.
If you get pulled over by the police make slow, steady movements. Don’t punch and kick the officers in an attempt to escape, and don’t act like you are holding a gun. You don’t want to die in an accidental police shooting, or in a high speed police chase that goes viral on the news.
Going to Sleep Afterwards
Hopefully at this point you have not succumbed to alcohol poisoning or OD-ed on anything. Sounds like a successful evening of partying, especially if you wake up with no hangover. But don’t go home with random people and expect to sleep in their bed without them attempting to know you sexually, even if they are women. If you do hook up with someone use protection. Hopefully they won’t pretend it broke, because AID’s is more of a slow death where you can’t have sex anymore. Don’t pass out in the alley by the dumpster or you might wake up with Brock Turner raping you, or a murderer who finds you unconscious and decides you would make a cute pet.
Remember that it is really mean to leave a drunk woman alone at a nightclub with no way home. In her vulnerable state a murderer might sense this as a weakness and then rape her. Watch out for the other women in your group, and speak up if you see something shady happening.
Going out dancing to live music is supposed to be fun, but it can also be dangerous. Make good decisions even if it means being a little rude or mean. Politeness not worth your life, especially if that person is a rapist. Don’t worry about hurting their feelings, you have to watch out for yourself. You don’t want to end up dead or trapped in a sex basement for the next 15 years.
Speaking of parties here are the ten best EDM festivals for the summer of 2018. You can help reduce gun violence at clubs and schools by buying from the Lipstick Lobby.